Wednesday, 01 July 2009

  • The Best Damn Psycho Ex story that you will ever read (Part 1)

    Her name was A, and I met her at a rave. Strike one. I was 18 and she was 22, or was she 25? I never knew for sure. All I knew was that she had huge tits for an asian girl, and a slammin body. Any other minor details were conveniently ignored by my eighteen year-old self. Details such as: random bouts of irrational jealousy, propensity for violence and hurling things, delusional paranoia, and calling me every 5 minutes whenever I was out of her sight.

    Maybe one of these days I'll go more deeply into how we met. But this is a story about how we broke up.

    One day, after a particularly nasty fight, I told her that I wanted to break up and I couldn't take it anymore. Immediately her eyes lit up with a vicious intensity and she hurled herself at me forcing me backwards onto my bed. She had me pinned and was choking me screaming, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!? YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST BREAK UP WITH ME?"

    I grabbed her by the wrists and threw her off of me. "Get the fuck off me! This is exactly the shit that I'm talking about!"

    The next thing that happened caught me completely off guard.

    "WHY DO YOU WANT TO HURT ME? WHY?"
    She reached for the nearest object she could find, which happened to be my white, cube-shaped sony alarm clock and raised it over her head. I thought for a second that she was going to hurl it in my direction. I had one of those awful horror-movie moments where everything happens in slow motion. Her arm cocked back and I began to duck and watched aghast as she began to repeatedly clobber herself over the head with it. For a moment, I entertained the thought of letting her pummel herself unconscious so that I could drive her home and deposit her on her front porch, but my guilty conscience got the better of me.

    I leapt forward and grabbed her wrists tackling her to the bed while prying the clock from her grasp.
    "Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you woman?"

    "Honey... I don't feel so good" she replied. I was surprised at how docile she suddenly was.

    "Well, you did just beat yourself over the head with an alarm clock." I remarked, reminding her of the obvious.

    "No, seriously I feel like I'm going to throw up," she whined.
    I checked her for pupil dialation and asked her a few questions to check for disorientation, and she seemed fine. Just to be safe I decided to take her to the ER to get checked for a concussion.

    We didn't talk on the entire drive. I spent half the time asking myself how the fuck I had ever been dumb enough to get myself in a situation like this. Once I realized that 'I was thinking with my penis' was not a satisfactory explanation, I spent the other half of the time plotting how I would get rid of this psycho. My decision was made, I would have to disappear.

    Once we got to the hospital, it didn't take long to get her processed and into one of the examination rooms. I was asked to stay outside and just as well, the less I could have to do with this crazy bitch the better. About 10 minutes went by and I stepped outside to have a cigarette when a patrol car pulled up to the ER entrance and two officers stepped out.

    "Sir, could you come with us? We'd like to have a word," said one of the cops.

    My first instinct was to run. At this point in my life I didn't have a very good rapport with the police in my community and I had a deep abiding fear of law enforcement. Seeing no viable escape route, I reluctantly complied.

    "We got a report from one of the nurses here that you and your girlfriend were involved in a domestic dispute."

    Ohhhhh fuck. Oh fuck, oh fuck. I was NOT about to go down for this. I hadn't even done anything wrong, but instantly I could see how this was going to look.

    That bitch.

    Was I going to go to jail over this? Was this to be the story of my young life? Asian-American male, sentenced to anger management counseling and hard time for assaulting girlfriend with household time-keeping device. I did the only thing I could think of.

    I explained my ass off. I told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I was a regular Patrick Henry for the next 5 minutes giving an awe-inspiring oration describing the absurdity of the situation that I had found myself in. I told them the entire tale of our relationship from the beginning, and that all I wanted was to get away from her as quickly as possible. By the time I was finished both of the cops had a strange smirk on their faces.

    Halfway through the story, one of them stopped me.

    "An alarm clock, you say?" He asked quizzically as he scribbled furiously in his notepad attempting to keep up with my rambling.
    "Um, yes officer," I said sheepishly.
    "Ooookay. Continue."

    When I finally finished speaking they looked at each other. They looked at me. They looked at each other again.

    "Well sir, that's definitely not something we hear every day, but we're going to take you at your word. If you need us to show up and help you make sure she leaves your place peacefully give us a call. According to procedure, however, we have to make sure that you leave the hospital seperately."

    "FINE BY ME!"
    I can only assume that my story was so out there that they decided there was no way I could have possibly made it up. Relieved as I was, I assured them that I could call a friend to pick me up. The last thing that I wanted was to be spending time in the back of a police cruiser even if I wasn't being arrested.

    You'd think at this point that my ordeal would be over, but alas, it was only beginning.

    To be continued...

Comments (71)

  • Choose Identity

  • Give eProps (?)

  • New! You can now edit your comments for 15 minutes after submitting.