I realized today that although I had always considered myself a confident person, I hadn't truly been confident until my late 20's. This manifested itself in my way of pursuing what I desired. The belief that I deserved to have what I wanted was always there, but the method in attaining those things was lacking.
Looking back at my younger years, I think I was a bit of a fatalist. If things happened, they were meant to be, if not then it was not in my cards. My attitude has changed considerably since then, though it will be a lifelong process. I no longer believe in fate, destiny, or luck. I think that mode of thinking was the result of an ever present fear of failure. If things didn't just happen immediately then I could easily say 'it wasn't meant to be.'
My dynamic with women that I dated was similar. I expected things to be easy, and if they weren't then I would take it as a sign that failure was imminent and flee. I don't mean that I didn't put up with a lot of crazy shit, more so that I needed them to like me in equal or greater measure than my interest in them. Typically, I would delay any advances on my part until I had seen clear indication of their interest.
When you base your own interest on the level of interest of another, or you expect them to initiate a relationship, you are giving up control over your own life. You limit your options only to those that are immediately available, and that pool of options becomes the only choices that you have to choose from. Often in those relationships, I would have reservations going in which I would ignore partially based on being caught up in the moment, and partially because I felt compelled to go along with what was available to me. The idea of unrequited interest was too risky and potentially harmful to my self-esteem to pursue. As a result, I never found exactly what I wanted, and those reservations that I so conveniently ignored would always return to haunt me.
Similarly with my career, minor setbacks would easily cause me to reconsider my entire course. If I felt bored, disenchanted, under appreciated, overworked, or disrespected, I would immediately start thinking about quitting. This attitude partially lay in my penchant for an extreme all or nothing philosophy, and partly because I was too young to know with clarity what I wanted out of life and love.
I've now realized that real confidence isn't just about knowing that you're smart enough, attractive enough, moral enough, or capable enough to handle a challenge. It's in knowing that you can handle the failures and continue persistently towards your goal. You have to be willing to swallow the good with the bad, and not falter at the first sign of difficulty. You have to have the ability to be single minded about your purpose and go after what you want without reservation. Real confidence allows you to do so-- and whatever obstacles you encounter will not shake the conviction that you are taking the correct course of action. These are the qualities that make successful people successful, and allow a man to land the right kind of woman.
Comments (86)
agreed.
Well-thought, and wonderfully written.
success?
good post. (:
okay u hook me up with a success man and ill hook u up w/ a right woman :o)
so easy to agree with but so difficult to actually carry through...but I guess confidence does come with age. When I'm 40 I'll be one of those super confident stuck up milfs
er on second thought, maybe not that last part
You've worded everything so well. To say we understand is simple, but to really comprehend and live by it is another thing. I've had to travel some amount last year to really clear my mind and comprehend it. I always enjoy reading about your thoughts.
well thought out sir
good luck looking
wow, that hit home... great post.
Things should be easy when the dynamic is right. And there shouldn't be any compromise of each party's standards.
"You have to have the ability to be single minded about your purpose and go after what you want without reservation." when it is done right, there's an overwhelming peace.
word!!
"Without reservation.." Reminds me of this book I opened in Barnes and Noble "The Ramen King and I" where people on this talk show say what they want to do with a famous person and pursue their goal without reservation.
aside from persistence being mispelled, great entry D.
ahh keep writing! so inspiring.. just what i needed
great post.
your refined attitude/approach is better than using fate as a gauge/measure for direction in life, in that it lessens the chance of giving up prematurely and without appropriate warrant.
i'm not sure if i agree with your conclusion about applying persistence and real confidence to the pursuit of a woman though. for me, this attitude continues to pit you and her at a distance. you say it's wrong to base your interest on the level of interest of the other.
the level of interest of the other is important in matters of the heart though, because the other is as much a part of the relationship as you are.
what we are looking for, ultimately, is a relationship we love, not just a person we love. loving a person can be admiration alone. being in a loving relationship takes life and love to a whole other level.
what do you think?
@joooolie - we can be stuck up confident milfs together LOL :)
I should start reading your posts before I go take my finals:) Usually I have tunnel vision prior to taking the final from the late night cramming and lack of social contact while in the library (even when i am studying with friends). I still fight myself when I try to partake what is seemingly available to me and what I want to pursue.. or who for that matter :) Either way, your post is a great reminder of what I have achieved and still need to refine to become the ever-evolving individual I want to become. Have a good week Dennis :)
dennis, you think I'm a good writer, but I am saving this. probably print it out and keep it in my folder of "articles for success." (yes, I have one). for the longest time I HAVE been looking for for a name for me and I realized that I am much more of a fatalist than I ought to be. There are SO many people I'm going to send this to.
Life should be like that but it's easier said than done. 90% (or maybe more) of people in the modernized civilization aren't doing what they love to do because of the fear of failure. Unfortunately, myself included for now.
This post reminds me of a quote from John Ortberg, he said: "Failure does not shape you; the way you respond to failure shapes you."
love is the pinnacle of persistence.
Well thought out post, I enjoyed reading it.
persistence. i love the word. the post is inspiring and empowering. more so your post provided a two-second stimulus package very much needed in supplying the reminder about 'failure.'
the principle of acceptance in failure(s) and persistence in moving is sound. forward or backward, sideways even, but nonetheless keeping it moving.
i still believe in fate. fate is similar to imagination - liberation in the acceptance, but more importantly, understanding the acceptance. don't know about landing a woman, but flip the wording and we derive: a woman - landing. i suppose conversely for a woman, the same: a man - landing. the place to hang the head without any reason.